What do I want?

Collaborating with the Weeds

There’s been a recurring question presented to me in too many situations to be a coincidence. In the last few years, I’ve learned to trust these repeated moments as a sign from the Universe to pay attention.

It’s seemingly straightforward.

Amy, what do you want?

With some thought, I’ve always had an answer. I’ve also coached and encouraged others (especially women) to honor themselves as they voice what they want and prioritize themselves in setting goals and boundaries.

And then, a few months ago, there was a shift.

I can envision the specific moment. It was a Sunday. I was sitting on the couch with my morning journal and oracle cards. I had my cup of coffee with cream. I was struggling (again) with a decision as my brain was doing all the mental gymnastics to balance my uncomfortable perceptions of expectations and shoulds. As Andy strolled across the room, he paused behind the oversized leather club chair, and matter-of-factly asked me the question – again!

Amy, what do you want?

I was stunned to unusual silence. The question was not new – it has been on repeat for the last year. But that day, I heard it differently. The words emphasized more precisely.

AMY, what do YOU want?

After a breath I said,

Hmmm. I don’t think I know. I just realized that my answer has always been defined by what I think others expect me to want. I’ve answered it based on what I thought I should say to meet expectations of my friends, family…or whoever. What do I want? I’m gonna have to sit with that for awhile.

I’m a slow learner. The above conversation was months ago and my head has been in a swirl of those exhausting mental gymnastics. Each time the question presents itself, I gain a bit of clarity, but it seems to remain foggy, clouded by insecurity and fear (I know!).

This week, it was placed in front of me again as a writing prompt during a beautifully gentle writing circle facilitated by Tracie Nichols and Liz Chesla. I found some ease in the poem that came through me.¹ Now, the work is accepting what I want. Accepting that what I want is enough.

Photo by Andrew J. Kettle | Bonus: Dandelion Seed Flight

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What do I want? 
(After Linda Hogan)

I want
to know what I want         	

Beyond made up shoulds and
make believe expectations 
too many years following the rules
saying yes when 
my anxiety-filled body said no

I want
clarity to name it and
courage to voice it

What do I dare to really want
just for me

I really want
to listen to the wind
blowing through the trees and
write what I see
 
I really want
to dig in the dirt like a carefree girl
collaborating with the weeds to
make room for wild blossoms
inside and out of me
 
I really want
to bake flaky cranberry scones and
have tea in the garden with 
my beloveds or
simply alone in the breeze

I really want
to be gentle with my tender soul and
live like the possibilities calling to me
from my own voice
are possible 

I really want
to believe I am worthy of wanting

Could it be that simple?

Why not?

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With loving wishes,

Amy

1. Thank you to my writing partner, Lorna Larson, for her suggestions and generously giving me space to voice the mental gymnastics jumping in my head. We jump together!