Remember to Be

An Unexpected Gift

This morning one of my soul-sisters reminded me that when we slow down, we open our hearts to opportunities. I had to take a deep breath, overwhelmed with gratitude that in the slowing down, I have changed my relationship with doing.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

My to-do list was a thing of pride and life-sustaining energy. It represented power and status. Being busy meant that I was important, even indispensable. I can’t remember a time when I did not have my to-do list at my side, celebrating success as I crossed off each item. The more I got done, the I more I could do. The more I accomplished, the more I would earn acceptance, value, and love. Or so I thought.

As the years progressed, I increasingly sacrificed personal time for work. I was on my own again, without a second income as backup. I was always good about taking vacation, but rarely without my computer and phone. If I exercised or traveled, I played the latest podcast to stay current on all the things. If I couldn’t get my daily list of to-do’s done, I found myself in a self-sabotaging shame spiral. My inner voice shouting, You’re not focused! You’re not smart enough! If you aren’t perfect you will fail! You are an imposter!

And then work became my weekend to-do. I was saying yes to the things that I felt like I should do in order to gain professional status or support the success of others. And I was saying no to most of the things that brought me joy and made my heart dance. My never-ending to-do list was no longer aligned with what my body and heart were trying to tell me was most important. I was too busy to hear the whispers until they finally shouted.

And then it happened. I was brought to my knees by exhaustion. After a lot of inner searching, I realized that I was to-doing because I didn’t want to go to bed. I didn’t want to go to bed because I dreaded waking up and facing the next day that only promised more of the same.

With the guidance of my therapist, I begrudgingly realized that I was hiding from myself and my brokenness. With my to-do list, I felt a sense of control. Through my busyness I stayed comfortable in my familiar, secret fears. Wine and cocktails filled the remaining spaces that were too difficult to feel. I avoided taking risks because of my deep, insidious fear of failing. I avoided dealing with the emotional emptiness of my marriage and my family. The fear of not belonging crushing my soul.

And no one knew.

Once I took the leap and jumped from a toxic work situation, I had space to hear the deep, deep knowing that I had to stop existing as a human doer and learn to live as a human being. I gave myself the gift of time. Three months with a daily goal to have no goals. Each day was approached with the intention of existing in whatever way the universe was calling. I sat with the avoided emotions. I allowed space to explore who I could be – who I was always meant to be. I became curious about the source of my fears so that I could walk with, and not hide from them.

And now I approach each day slowly with an open heart, and I imagine that it might be totally possible that…

…My hand will be held each day for I am not alone on this journey.
…I will believe in my personal power to create work around my life and not live around my work. 
…I will be at ease with the pace that may seem slow by comparison, but comparisons no longer matter. 
…My work will travel with me and I will be free to tag along with another. 
…My story will make a difference and guide others toward their own becoming. 
…I will let myself be loved as much as I give love in this world.

As I slow down and open my heart to opportunities, I no longer keep a triggering “to-do list.” It has become a very short Remember To list.