With the Fear

I Jump From the Growing Edge

As I once again stand on the growing edge, I look behind me to see the miles of lessons learned. Some are so far away I can barely see them, but their roots are deep and they have become a part of me. Other well intended lessons I leave as smoldering heaps of ash, no longer serving me. And yet still others are newly planted beside me, only now beginning to tenderly bloom, fragile as they take hold. I suspect that they will soon gently crowd the space and push me forward, gentler than the last.

Photo by vahid asadi on Unsplash

As I look beyond the edge to the next unknown place, I can’t see clearly what’s in store for me. A familiar feeling takes hold. One that has held me back far too many times. I hear myself whisper in my own ear the proverbial commands, “Jump! Just do it. No fear. You’ve got this!”

I glimpse again over the edge. The fear only tightens its hold. It is real. It is inside of me. I can literally feel it. My chest tightens. My body feels small. I imagine myself curling up into a ball. Not sure if I will fight, flee, or freeze. But I know that I can’t simply will it away. If I could just do it, “it” would be done.

And then I stop boldly and challenge those old narratives - the rules that were handed down to me. Pausing for just a moment, I consider, “Are these the only options?” But this is all I’ve ever been told and all that I have told others when they seek my sage advice. We say,

“Face your fears.”

                This feels too confrontational. That’s not my spirit. I am kind and gentle.

“Fake it till you make it.”

                Make what? I most likely don’t even want “it.” Whatever “it” is.

“Fake it till you become it.”

                If I have to fake it, it’s not likely who I am or who I am meant to be.

“Fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real.”

                   Oh, but it IS real. I feel it. And it is mine alone.

What if instead, I make my own rules. What if I pause and look Fear directly in her eyes with curiosity instead of paralyzing anxiety? What if I embrace her for a moment and hold her tight with loving appreciation for attempting to keep me safe? What if I then take her by the hand and invite her to go along beside me? What if we learn together that she has very little power unless it is given?

I realize now that Fear may protect me for a moment, but then we can decide together when to jump and travel toward the next growing edge.  

And when I am ready, I will quietly let go, and we part ways.

Until we meet again.