Life can be heavy. Life can be hard.
Nearly two years ago, my life became unbearable. I quit my job so I could continue the hard work of my own becoming. I was learning that I deserved more than to simply function through life. I deserved to live my life. To begin living, I needed to take the uncomfortable step away from my “to do” list and learn how to “be.”
I gifted myself three months – the gift of time to stop controlling and start listening to the Universe. My daily plan was to simply get up, make my bed, and resist the urge to make a list of things to accomplish. Instead, I prioritized my physical health with Pilates, barre, and long walks while listening to music or books instead of leadership podcasts. I made time for coffee dates with new friends and discovered the magic of deep vulnerability. I practiced soulful meditation and took a ten-day trip to New Mexico with my son. I fueled my spirit with art and music. With my heart beginning to open to new possibilities, I actually had space for my sweetheart to enter my life.
Those three months ended as 2023 began. I started to feel the itch of social expectations to “do” again. I had experienced extreme burnout from overproducing and perfectionism. A job that was once fulfilling, gradually became incongruent with my values and who I was becoming in this season of life. And I was terrified of falling into that dark pit again.
Thankfully, I also realized that I didn’t need to figure out the next steps on my own. I already had so much support from my therapist, financial planner, and sobriety accountability partners that I felt secure in seeking additional guidance.
I was starting to trust the Universe and I followed the signs as they appeared and jumped into a beautiful eight-week class, Your Right Livelihood. It was a gentle, soulful approach to exploring one’s calling and purpose work. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever participated in.
But I found myself fighting against the lingering perfectionism and challenged by the internal fears that were still holding me hostage. I was comparing myself to the “success” and salaries of my peer PhD’s and others in my friend circle. I felt inadequate and the need to do something big, something that mattered.
The program facilitators were patient. During one of my individual coaching sessions, my wise coach posed a few brilliant questions that made me pause and rethink.
Does your purpose need to be big? It doesn’t have to be a profound calling. Instead, does it sound fun?
What if you looked at all the things you are doing as spaces to play, and just see what happens?
I took a breath and changed my perspective. Instead of creating a detailed project plan with deadlines and metrics, I shed my PhD baggage and drew a rudimentary picture (literally) of my playground. It included many spaces for what I was having fun exploring. They were connected with crisscrossing paths without a start or end. The image allowed me to jump from one thing to the next depending on my mood. I included spaces for writing and my volunteer work with the Manhattan Community Portrait Project. I had a table under a tree for coffee, conversation, and connection. I allowed open spaces for watching the clouds and dreaming. There was a garden for growing, learning, and healing. A group of people gathered at the gazebo where I imagined facilitating “dream catching” sessions. All of these grounded by a playground reserved for my son, my sweetheart, and friends. I trusted that this playful approach would guide me along my journey.
This week I pulled out this map again. I needed to rebalance and remind myself of all the progress I’ve made in the short sixteen months since finishing the class. I refocused on play and declared this week that I would “pretend to be a writer,” which made me smile.
I played with words. I played in the garden and danced while I watered and picked some flowers. I played in the kitchen and baked yummy scones. I meditated and read a book. I did planks and pushups at Pilates and danced at Kukuwa. I shared space with some beautiful people, recorded their video portraits, and honored their stories.
With play comes curiosity. Curiosity leads to exploration, and exploration results in insight.
The insight I gained this week?
Keep playing.
With loving wishes,
Amy
Lovely mantra "Keep playing!"
This was deeply inspiring Amy. Thank you for showing up to write it... the way these shared profound experiences carry forward into the world is miraculous. I have the baton now... 💐