Learning to Play

An Unexpected Gift

Life can be heavy. Life can be hard.

Nearly two years ago, my life became unbearable. I quit my job so I could continue the hard work of my own becoming. I was learning that I deserved more than to simply function through life. I deserved to live my life. To begin living, I needed to take the uncomfortable step away from my “to do” list and learn how to “be.”

I gifted myself three months – the gift of time to stop controlling and start listening to the Universe. My daily plan was to simply get up, make my bed, and resist the urge to make a list of things to accomplish. Instead, I prioritized my physical health with Pilates, barre, and long walks while listening to music or books instead of leadership podcasts. I made time for coffee dates with new friends and discovered the magic of deep vulnerability. I practiced soulful meditation and took a ten-day trip to New Mexico with my son. I fueled my spirit with art and music. With my heart beginning to open to new possibilities, I actually had space for my sweetheart to enter my life.

Those three months ended as 2023 began. I started to feel the itch of social expectations to “do” again. I had experienced extreme burnout from overproducing and perfectionism. A job that was once fulfilling, gradually became incongruent with my values and who I was becoming in this season of life. And I was terrified of falling into that dark pit again.

Thankfully, I also realized that I didn’t need to figure out the next steps on my own. I already had so much support from my therapist, financial planner, and sobriety accountability partners that I felt secure in seeking additional guidance.

I was starting to trust the Universe and I followed the signs as they appeared and jumped into a beautiful eight-week class, Your Right Livelihood. It was a gentle, soulful approach to exploring one’s calling and purpose work. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever participated in.

But I found myself fighting against the lingering perfectionism and challenged by the internal fears that were still holding me hostage. I was comparing myself to the “success” and salaries of my peer PhD’s and others in my friend circle. I felt inadequate and the need to do something big, something that mattered.

The program facilitators were patient. During one of my individual coaching sessions, my wise coach posed a few brilliant questions that made me pause and rethink. 

• Does your purpose need to be big? It doesn’t have to be a profound calling. Instead, does it sound fun?

• What if you looked at all the things you are doing as spaces to play, and just see what happens?

I took a breath and changed my perspective. Instead of creating a detailed project plan with deadlines and metrics, I shed my PhD baggage and drew a rudimentary picture (literally) of my playground.  It included many spaces for what I was having fun exploring. They were connected with crisscrossing paths without a start or end. The image allowed me to jump from one thing to the next depending on my mood. I included spaces for writing and my volunteer work with the Manhattan Community Portrait Project. I had a table under a tree for coffee, conversation, and connection. I allowed open spaces for watching the clouds and dreaming. There was a garden for growing, learning, and healing. A group of people gathered at the gazebo where I imagined facilitating “dream catching” sessions. All of these grounded by a playground reserved for my son, my sweetheart, and friends. I trusted that this playful approach would guide me along my journey.

Space to play | Photo by Amy Gross

This week I pulled out this map again. I needed to rebalance and remind myself of all the progress I’ve made in the short sixteen months since finishing the class. I refocused on play and declared this week that I would “pretend to be a writer,” which made me smile.

I played with words. I played in the garden and danced while I watered and picked some flowers. I played in the kitchen and baked yummy scones. I meditated and read a book. I did planks and pushups at Pilates and danced at Kukuwa. I shared space with some beautiful people, recorded their video portraits, and honored their stories.

With play comes curiosity. Curiosity leads to exploration, and exploration results in insight.

The insight I gained this week?

Keep playing.

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With loving wishes,

Amy

Someday Is Now