Learning to Dream

Someday Is Now

For more than five decades I pretended. I knew what success and confidence looked like. I knew how to look like I was living “happily ever after.” On the outside, I appeared to have it all – career, husband, a lovely home, beautiful son, discretionary income. I hid my despair and the insidious soul haunting shame spiral of my secrets. I concealed my profound fear of making mistakes that would expose my imperfections. I kept secret how much wine I actually sipped, just to get through the night and to face another day. I never said out loud that I had never wanted to be married.

And then...five years after peacefully leaving an emotionally empty marriage, the broken pieces finally shattered and I had to face myself in the mirror. Finally reaching out for help, my therapist asked, “What are your dreams?”

I hated that question. I hated it because my answer, after a pause, was always, “I don’t know. I’ve never had any. Not really.” Somewhere along the way I came to believe that dreams were for others, and certainly not for a young girl like me. It was better to just take what came my way, to be satisfied with that, and live vicariously through others.

As I was bravely facing my own darkness, my wise therapist advised me that in order to dream I must first have hope. In order to hope, I must first learn to trust.

As so the learning began.

It was a rough start. It took a lot of healing work and I had to stop numbing myself with overworking, perfectionism, and wine. I had to step away from a toxic work environment and step into a journey of regaining hope that I might be able to dream again.

And once I paused, and listened to the stillness, I discovered an old envelope covered with more than twenty years of dust. Inside, were five pictures labeled “Some Day.” And I remembered. Once upon a time I did have dreams. These dreams came to me in my early 30’s. Two of the images depicted a relationship that I desperately wanted and did not have in my marriage. They were simple. I wanted someone to walk with me in step, side by side, hand in hand. In all aspects of my life. And when I needed a boost, I wanted someone to reach down and offer their hand in support as I climbed up life’s rocky hills. I longed for a little cottage with garden paths. I wanted art in my life. And, there it was in front of me. My most secret dream that I had forgotten and held since I was that little girl, afraid to voice my dreams. I wanted to be a writer.

And then I remembered. As a young girl, I would stand in the dark of night, look up and make a wish upon a star. I used to believe. I used to dream. I used to hope. I used to trust.

And so I began again to close my eyes and wish upon a star for my dreams of someday, believing that they could possibly come true. My heart full of hope and my soul full of trust, finally knowing that I am worthy of happiness simply because I exist on this earth.

And, as if by magic, and to my surprise, my dreams of someday are indeed coming true.

At last.

In step. Side by side. Hand in hand. | Photo courtesy of Ann M. Hackett.