Instead, I Flew

The Start of Beginnings

Photo by Andrew J. Kettle

It's been just more than a year since I took an enormous leap of faith and jumped.

For months, I had felt like I was on a cliff, teetering on the edge for (now I can see) four years. Fear had tethered me to that place, and eventually tore into my soul. As I fought to hold on, I grew weary of the struggle, holding on by a few remaining strands. I was either going to break and fall, or I was going to take control and jump into the abyss to see what might be next.

I chose to jump. I quit my job, effective immediately. I said goodbye to an expected income and health insurance. I gave up the promise of a two-month paid sabbatical. I couldn't even wait six weeks for the reward of eight exhausting years. But if I stayed, even one more day, I knew that I would explode from the pressure of pretending and overproducing. I was going to fall off that edge and break. My body, my heart, and my soul said instead, “You have to go NOW! Don't wait! There is more for you! Do it! Today!”

At that moment, I did something different. I listened. I trusted. I closed my eyes and held my breath. And I jumped.

To my amazement, I didn't fall and shatter into pieces. Instead, my broken parts began to magically come together. I was free for the first time in my life. Free of expectations that weren't mine. Free of someone else's goals and assumptions that defined success. Free of inherited beliefs of never quit and just push through. Free of thinking my worth and value were dependent on what others think.

What I noticed most was the remarkable absence of regret, the amazing absence of fear, the noticeable absence of anxiety in my body, and the inspiring sense of freedom.

I wanted to dance – so I did. I wanted to shout – so I laughed. I bought myself flowers and ate cookie dough ice cream. I was simply giddy with excitement. I did it! I leaned into the hope of dreams and I trusted my intuition fully. I wasn't looking for wealth or travel or material things, but dreams of how I wanted and needed to feel. Dreams now well on their way.

On occasion, I still catch myself and need to stop the limiting beliefs from swirling like ghosts on the edge of where I once hung. Messages that I’m not achieving enough. Beliefs that I’m not perfect enough and therefore not worthy of belonging or being loved.

I now change those conversations in my head and hear my own whispering thoughts.

     “Of course, your dreams are coming true! Why wouldn't they?
      You are worthy of feeling this richness in your soul and in your thoughts. 
       You have found your people with similar hearts and shared creative spirits. 
       Lean into your gifts to make this place better and healthier.”

A year ago, I was not writing. I was not in a beautiful relationship. I was not living in my little cottage. I did not believe in dreams.

But jumping was the start of beginnings. I learned that I won't fall, because I can fly.